Brian told me last Wednesday that he wants a divorce.
I'm very confused. In one breath he will tell me that he's done and then in the very next breath he says he still lives in our house and he doesn't want to seperate our things and that filing for divorce doesn't need to be done right away. WTF is up with that?
On the bright side, we've talked more since he told me he was done than we have in months and our conversations have been civil. Also, on the bright side, he agreed to counseling.
I have to find a counselor who can meet with us on Monday nights and make it as late as 7pm. So far, I have found this to be a hard task, there aren't many out there that will meet that late.

I had a check up with the doctor this week. I cried like baby when telling him what was going on. He did make me feel better by telling me that he can see how Brian and I have loved each other... that he has seen me grow into a woman with class and that he knows I can make it through whatever happens as long as I hold me head up and get on with my life... take care of myself and the girls.

Speaking of the girls... I'm so worried about them. Brooke isn't taking things well at all. She has her good days and her bad days... and believe me when she has a bad day, it's a BAD day. Brittnee on the other hand seems to be pretty much ignoring it and going on with her normal activities. It worries me that she doesn't want to talk about it. I just pray that when she is ready to talk about it that she will come to me and tell me exactly how she feels. My kids are my world, well what's left of my world, and I hate to see them hurting and me not be able to kiss the boo-boo and make the hurt go away.

Hmmm, I miss Johnson. He doesn't know how to deal with this. He's friends with both Brian and I... he doesn't want to be in the middle of anything. I haven't talked to him about all of this. I mean he knows Brian has decided to end things, but I haven't sat down and confided in him this time around. It's also hard to talk to him when Adam, Brian's friend who just won't get out of my house, is always up his ass. He spends all day in Johnson's room and has now started sleeping on Johnson's couch. Johnson told me if I wanted to talk I could talk in fron to of Adam. I told Johnson I couldn't talk to him in front of Adam because in all honesty Adam is part of the problem and Adam has no right to know how I feel about what is going on.

So yeah, my life is crazy right about now. I'm doing the best that I can. Hopefully Brian will finally step back and realize that we both need to change things and be willing to change his part to keep our family together.
I'm not ready to let him walk away... we've been through way too much.

are good and some days are bad. I do notice a difference since I started taking "my happy pills". I just think the stress of rasing two children on your own is taking it's toll.

Brian spends more nights in Granbury than he does at home. The hours he is working and the amount of money we have been spending on gas... it just makes more sense for him to stay out there; however, I miss him like crazy. I'm sick of sleeping in my huge king size bed alone, not to mention the lack of sex. I'm 30 for crying out loud, I'm in my sexual peak... and I'm not getting any. Your toys can only do so much for you... there is a time when a woman craves human contact, skin on skin. Right now I would settle for someone to just cuddle with.

It has become obvious to me that what I want isn't good enough if Brian doesn't want the same thing.
I know what I want, but my want isn't enough for the both of us.
There is nothing more I can say and I'm at a loss for what else I could do to convince Brian that our marriage is worth fixing.
I'm cutting the cord... the ball is in Brian's court now. It's up to him.

He's free to walk if that's what he wants to do.

I will always love Brian... after 11 years I just don't see how I couldn't. He has been an important part of my life and I would love for that to continue, but not at the expense of our happiness. God bless him in whatever his decision may be.

So, Brian spent all of last week at home sick. This caused a ton of stress at the store. His mom just can't handle the responsibility... the woman freaks out too easily.

Brian went back to work on Friday, had to close, didn't get home until 330 am. I hate that his mom has him close by himself. He refuses to leave things undone, so he stays until EVERYTHING is done and then makes the hour drive home.

Saturday and Sunday nights he didn't come home because of the weather. So, I haven't seen my husband in 3 days. This is not a good thing when you are depressed. I know he stayed in Granbury because of the weather, but going to bed alone when you already feel like you have nobody... let's just say it makes things worse and harder to deal with. Brian keeps telling me that my negative attitude keeps him away. The bad things is that I have such a negative attitude because he's never around and I don't know that he even cares anymore. All I want from him his quality time. We don't get that. I feel like he wants the good times, but not the bad. I'm sorry, but to have good times you've got to have bad times. If he can't take the bad times, then he shouldn't get my good times. That sounds shitty, I know, but it's how I feel about it.

I know that everything he is doing is for us. Us being him, me and our two beautiful daughters. I just feel that he's putting so much into the store and nothing into his family. Six months from now when the store truly takes off, he will have done it all for nothing because his family will be gone. I refuse to do this for the rest of my life!

Brian told me that he has realized that it's his repsonsibility to take care of his family and he wants things to be better for us. Unfortunately, he's not including me on his journey. He has embarked on this one alone. I'm not included in any way when it comes to the goings on in his life these days. I've asked him to talk to me, to tell me about what's going on at the store and how he is doing with all of it. He just won't open up to me. I ask him questions and he just stares at me and says nothing. He's shutting me out and it hurts. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. Heartbreak is so common and yet so painful at the same time.

I need him in a way that he can't seem to be there for me. He doesn't understand how to be there for me when I'm so down about things. It makes him unhappy to see me unhappy and he doesn't want to live his life unhappy. I can totally understand... it's just that I want to know that he loves me and he's scared to show me. He's afraid if he shows me that it won't be enough and we'll end up apart anyway. He's shielding himself from heartbreak.

We've talked about starting over. Letting go of the past and moving forward. This will probably be hardest for me. I tend to hold grudges and Brian has done some pretty shitty things in the past. However, if I have to let go of it all to get my husband back, I will.

So, I went to the doctor yesterday to discuss depression. I have 5 out of 7 symptoms.
After really thinking about it and talking to Brian we figure I started showing signs of depression about a year ago. I truly noticed things about 6 months ago and thought I could get through it on my own. Yeah, that didn't work so well.
Here I am, just turned 30, my life an emotional roller coaster... and now I'm on meds. As far as I know depression doesn't run in my family, so this isn't something I've ever had to deal with on a family level. Dr. Bob helped me to understand things. I'm not losing my mind, I'm not going crazy. Many people need help dealing with life.
Brian brought up his anger towards me. Dr. Bob told him to give me time to get better and then if he still felt he was constantly angry with me then they could get together and discuss what might be his problem. Dr. Bob has dealt with anger issues first hand and knows what it can do to a marriage and a family.
Ok so... medication. Dr. Bob put me on Lexapro... I've taken it twice. Yesterday after lunch and this morning. It makes me nausious and sleepy. These two side effects are common and have been known to go away the longer you take the medication. I'm going to give it a week or so and if these side effect don't let up, I'm calling to get something else. I went through 2 pregnancies full of being nauseated... I don't want to go through that again because of medication.
Dr. Bob said he did not want me to H A L T... meaning:
don't be Hungry
don't be Angry
don't be Lonely
don't be Tired

I can handle all but Lonely.

You would think with 3 other adults living with you that you wouldn't have time to be lonely. Well, ALL 3 of those adults work at night, so once I've put the girls in bed it's just me.
Tuesday night I was in bed at 930. I got up at midnight when I heard JJ and Johnson come home. Originally was just going to use bathroom,but ended up staying up and chatting until 2. Wednesday night I was in bed at 9. Woke up at 1 when Brian called to let me know he was on his way home, went to the bathroom and went right back to sleep. These early bed times are odd for a woman who will stay up until 2 or 3am and get up at 615am for work.
I'll just have to see how things go over the next couple of weeks. I've introduced some new chemicals to my body and it needs time to adjust.